there will be an answer, let it be

Oh, I am so out of it.
I guess things never really change, do they?
Senior year. Homecoming was a disappointment. spirit week was awesome though. you take what you can, right?
i'm working at CVS. it's quite nice. i get along with the people I work with, and everyone's nice. I think that's the most overlooked virtue: kindness.
I'm excited about my classes. the only challenging ones are AP English and Journalism 4.
Got accepted into Carbondale. not sure if I'm going there though. More interested in Knox.
Last summer was quite boring compared to Summer 2009. I guess it was "that summer." Summer '09, that is. Although really, I lived through it, so what is there to complain about?

Song of the Blog: "Let It Be" - Across the Universe soundtrack

Alone, On my Own

I'm wrong, i'm gone, TV's on, nothing's right, hit the lights, try again tomorrow.

I've no clue what to feel anymore. I just wish it was all different. The way it used to be. Whatshisface wasn't dating Miss Bitch, and Computer Geek didn't turn into Mr. Douchebag, and everything wasn't awkward. I hate that. Awkward. And everyone's turning into people I can't stand. and I seem to be the same. and yet i'm not. In a bad way. I don't know what to feel. I hate this. I hate being me. As usual.

Nothing really has changed.

drenched in vanilla twilight

Have you ever loved someone, then hated them (without really hating them), then noticed how they were gone for your life for like a week...and you didn't even realize it?

It's a peculiar thing, really. Love is, I mean. You give someone your world, and they become it. Then they cast it off because they change their mind. And you're left in a state of being that might as well be pronounced dead. Then, after several months, you finally are okay. Or getting there. Getting very close. And you start to not think about them all the time. or notice them. Or care what they think or say about you. Well, okay, a part of you always cares/wonders, at least every now and then. But eventually...your world has expanded so much beyond them that they're only a small part, so much smaller than it once was.

And one day they're gone. And you don't notice until someone points it out. And you think about how they once were your world, how you once loved them so much, so hard, cried so hard because of them....and now they're just another wave and smile in the hall. Did you see it coming, a year ago, two or three years ago, when you first met them?

Of course not. And now, it's all different. Do you patch things up? Do you finally talk about what happened several months ago? Is there a right or wrong answer to either of those questions?

I guess I'll always be wondering about old times. I don't want to lose him as a friend, since he was once, not too long ago, so much more. I don't know what to do.

I guess its times like these that teens really languish over, when the only advice we get is from CDs and old pictures and conversations long since passed. Maybe they hold the answers, and maybe they just hold you back.

Song of the Blog: "Home" - Daughtry

"Will You Remember Me?" - Sarah McLachlan

"Vanilla Twilight" - Owl City

who gives a shit

I hate everything. i dont' care about anything anymore. Except my friends. and even then, the number is shrinking. I just don't give a fuck. Nothing seems worth it. I'm trying to keep it together, trying to be happy, but i just can't. I'm starting to give up. and i want to help people, but how can i do that when i want to kill myself? how am i supposed to tell people to keep hanging in there when I don't know what the fuck to do? when i hate my life? when i'm depressed all the fucking time?

Seriously...why even write. no one even fucking reads this.

what makes it worse is that i can't fucking kill myself because it might cause other people to. and a few people are stupid enough to care about me. who the fuck knows why. i'm not worth it. i'm a horrible person who only tries to be good but fails. i'm a heartless bitch. i hate myself, i hate the world, i don't have any faith in hardly anything anymore.

fuck my life. i just want to fucking kill myself some times.

And I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

Here we go. Spirit Week. I love it. It's catching.

And Purple Tranzam had another concert. And it made my night.

I"m doing better. Lots better. I think I'm moving on, finally. I'm happier now, it's getting hard to look for the bad like I normally do. I've got amazing friends who won't let me fade into oblivion like I want to sometimes. And I'm realizing that there's a lot more in my future than I thought previously. Journalism is going great. Tomorrow me and Skye are dressing up for Twin Day as Good Twin, Bad Twin. Guess who's the baaaad twin? XD

The only thing that bothers me is one friend who seems rather unhappy and doesn't realize how wonderful she is. I love her and don't want her to be unhappy. I don't know her as well as I should, but hey, the future has plenty of time in it. Even if we all die in 2012. The year is still new, and so full of promise that it's hard for me to be depressed about stuff right now. I love my life. I'm excited about things again. I'm accepting that some things are ending, and other things are beginning. Maybe all of them aren't wonderful, but it's Life, and you have to take the good with the bad.

I'm also excited because Homecoming Dance is THIS SATURDAY! WOOOOT! And a lot of peopel are coming hoooooome :) Andy, Caitlin (ma date!), Mason...I is soooo excited :)) Even Britty (my seeester) is coming.

I'm also wondering if there's a guy in my future. I'm not sure. I guess I don't really mind, but it's nice every now and then to have someone to try to catch the eye of. Especially when it's not hard. I'm not sure. I think I'm ready though. We'll see, at the dance tonight.

Life is spectacular. my friends are saving me. And I'm finally letting them. Life's good :)

Song of the Blog: "Don't Wanna Close My Eyes" - Aerosmith
"I'm Not Who I Was" - Brandon Heath
"Keep Holding On" - Avril Lavigne

I'm a Lonely Dreamer

I need a savior. Someone to help me make life more beautiful. But then, don't my friends do that? Don't they keep me alive? Doesn't my family keep me alive? Don't they save me?

But then...why do I keep getting depressed so much? Life now seems to be in gray, not colors, not even black and white when the contrast is beautiful. Where's the button to make it wonderful again?

I Got Excited For This?

So this weekend was amazing, for one particular reason: Purple Tranzam. Mark it. It'll be a household name in no time. Aaron Gosnell, B.J. Pearce, Danny Dallstream, and Chaning Marsh make up this magnificant band. They practice their ass off. They memorize new songs each concert, and they rock them all. Last night...oh em gee....most fun I've had so much. For a while it made me happy. Now, however, after jumping up and down, headbanging and screaming my head off in the mosh pit made up of most of my friends, I am now faced with the prospect of school. And i am now sad, depressed, and pessimistic.

The first week...it just kicked my ass. I guess it always does, because I'm not used to it, but that doesn't make it much easier to bear. My classes are okay, I at least get to chill with my friends, but it's like...I miss summer. I miss getting to hang out with people whenever I want. I mean, I know that I have to slow down some time, but really, couldn't I do it without the homework? Couldn't I do it without having to put up with dumbshits and annoying people?

Plus it's like...the only highlight of my day is Journalism. I still love it. I miss Emma, Caitlin, Wilson, Jordan, Angie, and Ellen like MAD, but I still look forward to it every day. It's all review though, so I'm kind of bored. Idea sheets are due Wednesday. What's the best I forget about it until Tuesday night?

Otherwise...there's not much out there. I have to start volunteering, because it looks good on college scholarships. I have to get a job, to pay for gas and any whims i may have. I have to, I have to, I have to. This, that, everything. There's not much mean time. Plus I just know that Pre-Calc is going to murder me this year. Plus ACTs and SATs and the PSAE. Plus I have to pick a college.

Junior year...it just sucks so far, from my view point. Maybe I'm just seeing it wrong, but it's just gonna be work, work, work, try to make time for friends, work, work, have fun sometimes, etc.

Homecoming will hopefully be awesome. I'm excited now. I'm dreading the slow songs though. Especially if He-Who-Must-Remain-Just-A-Friend-Now goes with someone. Idk if I'm ready for that. I know I'm not ready for that. I need to stay away from him, but it's hard, because we have the same friends, and quite frankly, I miss him too much.

I dunno, I just have too much on my mind. And I don't see it getting any better. I hope it gets better. Otherwise, seriously, FML.

Song of the Blog: "American Pie" by Don McLean