who gives a shit

I hate everything. i dont' care about anything anymore. Except my friends. and even then, the number is shrinking. I just don't give a fuck. Nothing seems worth it. I'm trying to keep it together, trying to be happy, but i just can't. I'm starting to give up. and i want to help people, but how can i do that when i want to kill myself? how am i supposed to tell people to keep hanging in there when I don't know what the fuck to do? when i hate my life? when i'm depressed all the fucking time?

Seriously...why even write. no one even fucking reads this.

what makes it worse is that i can't fucking kill myself because it might cause other people to. and a few people are stupid enough to care about me. who the fuck knows why. i'm not worth it. i'm a horrible person who only tries to be good but fails. i'm a heartless bitch. i hate myself, i hate the world, i don't have any faith in hardly anything anymore.

fuck my life. i just want to fucking kill myself some times.

And I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

Here we go. Spirit Week. I love it. It's catching.

And Purple Tranzam had another concert. And it made my night.

I"m doing better. Lots better. I think I'm moving on, finally. I'm happier now, it's getting hard to look for the bad like I normally do. I've got amazing friends who won't let me fade into oblivion like I want to sometimes. And I'm realizing that there's a lot more in my future than I thought previously. Journalism is going great. Tomorrow me and Skye are dressing up for Twin Day as Good Twin, Bad Twin. Guess who's the baaaad twin? XD

The only thing that bothers me is one friend who seems rather unhappy and doesn't realize how wonderful she is. I love her and don't want her to be unhappy. I don't know her as well as I should, but hey, the future has plenty of time in it. Even if we all die in 2012. The year is still new, and so full of promise that it's hard for me to be depressed about stuff right now. I love my life. I'm excited about things again. I'm accepting that some things are ending, and other things are beginning. Maybe all of them aren't wonderful, but it's Life, and you have to take the good with the bad.

I'm also excited because Homecoming Dance is THIS SATURDAY! WOOOOT! And a lot of peopel are coming hoooooome :) Andy, Caitlin (ma date!), Mason...I is soooo excited :)) Even Britty (my seeester) is coming.

I'm also wondering if there's a guy in my future. I'm not sure. I guess I don't really mind, but it's nice every now and then to have someone to try to catch the eye of. Especially when it's not hard. I'm not sure. I think I'm ready though. We'll see, at the dance tonight.

Life is spectacular. my friends are saving me. And I'm finally letting them. Life's good :)

Song of the Blog: "Don't Wanna Close My Eyes" - Aerosmith
"I'm Not Who I Was" - Brandon Heath
"Keep Holding On" - Avril Lavigne

I'm a Lonely Dreamer

I need a savior. Someone to help me make life more beautiful. But then, don't my friends do that? Don't they keep me alive? Doesn't my family keep me alive? Don't they save me?

But then...why do I keep getting depressed so much? Life now seems to be in gray, not colors, not even black and white when the contrast is beautiful. Where's the button to make it wonderful again?

I Got Excited For This?

So this weekend was amazing, for one particular reason: Purple Tranzam. Mark it. It'll be a household name in no time. Aaron Gosnell, B.J. Pearce, Danny Dallstream, and Chaning Marsh make up this magnificant band. They practice their ass off. They memorize new songs each concert, and they rock them all. Last night...oh em gee....most fun I've had so much. For a while it made me happy. Now, however, after jumping up and down, headbanging and screaming my head off in the mosh pit made up of most of my friends, I am now faced with the prospect of school. And i am now sad, depressed, and pessimistic.

The first week...it just kicked my ass. I guess it always does, because I'm not used to it, but that doesn't make it much easier to bear. My classes are okay, I at least get to chill with my friends, but it's like...I miss summer. I miss getting to hang out with people whenever I want. I mean, I know that I have to slow down some time, but really, couldn't I do it without the homework? Couldn't I do it without having to put up with dumbshits and annoying people?

Plus it's like...the only highlight of my day is Journalism. I still love it. I miss Emma, Caitlin, Wilson, Jordan, Angie, and Ellen like MAD, but I still look forward to it every day. It's all review though, so I'm kind of bored. Idea sheets are due Wednesday. What's the best I forget about it until Tuesday night?

Otherwise...there's not much out there. I have to start volunteering, because it looks good on college scholarships. I have to get a job, to pay for gas and any whims i may have. I have to, I have to, I have to. This, that, everything. There's not much mean time. Plus I just know that Pre-Calc is going to murder me this year. Plus ACTs and SATs and the PSAE. Plus I have to pick a college.

Junior year...it just sucks so far, from my view point. Maybe I'm just seeing it wrong, but it's just gonna be work, work, work, try to make time for friends, work, work, have fun sometimes, etc.

Homecoming will hopefully be awesome. I'm excited now. I'm dreading the slow songs though. Especially if He-Who-Must-Remain-Just-A-Friend-Now goes with someone. Idk if I'm ready for that. I know I'm not ready for that. I need to stay away from him, but it's hard, because we have the same friends, and quite frankly, I miss him too much.

I dunno, I just have too much on my mind. And I don't see it getting any better. I hope it gets better. Otherwise, seriously, FML.

Song of the Blog: "American Pie" by Don McLean

Maybe I'm Ready to Make a Wish

I don't really know what's going on with me. I'm reconnecting with an old friend, I'm starting to realize that dating is not an option in the town where I live, where everyone who's good and mature enough is gone. And that's okay. I've got friends. I've got Journalism. I've got tons of stuff to do every weekend, and not one of them involves a boy. I have new insight in how much romance screws up good friendships. I'm not so...mopey.

I think I've moved on. I don't think it's because I don't still love him. I think it's because I"m so sick of getting so sad, that my mind is making me move on. Maybe that's what happens - you never stop loving someone, you just get sick of missing someone all the time, so you force yourself to heal. Maybe that's why it's sometimes hard to define what love is. You can love someone will all your heart, really love them for all the right reasons, or even wrong ones - still real love.

Then you find out they don't love you. And you're broken and crying and feeling pain. And you get depressed, and think about what could've happened, and for months you're not yourself.

But then you finally get sick of crying. You get tired of missing someone. You still get reminded of them at random times, and you still got feelings for them, but you know that the cost of imagination is: you're tired of making yourself miserable. So you cover up the scrape, avoid them even when it hurts and you miss them so much, because you're tired of the "hangover" that comes from getting drunk off memories and what-could-have-beens. And you start looking around at other people. You take strength from friends. You realize you're not as imperfect and horrible as you were. And you move on. Because you still love them, but you finally are ready to admit that you don't deserve the pain.

Yeah yeah, typical teenage girl making everything into a heartfelt realization. But it's true. Maybe you can love someone, and continue to love them, but maybe it's also true that you get so sick of pain that you force yourself to move on so that you can love yourself.

Because it's not worth it. Because that person probably doesn't want you to feel pain. Because you don't want to be feel pain. Because people fall in and out of love all throughout time, and rarely in sync, and somehow manage to move on with their lives and find someone else.

More importantly, because you deserve to be loved.

Song of the Blog: "My Wish" - Rascal Flatts

so the truth is

I don't know what it is exactly, but for some reason I've developed a fear of being alone. There's a name for it, but simply put, I keep wanting to just have someone to hug. It's probably got something to do with my ex. I remember when we used to just wrap our arms around each other so I could hear his heartbeat, and I felt so warm, so safe.

I haven't held anyone or kissed anyone like that since a week or so before we broke up. And I still haven't moved on to the point where I've found someone new, or even considered someone new.

Well okay, that's not true. There is a guy or two...but I'm friends with them, and I don't want to fuck that up, because I know first hand how everything changes when friends of the opposite sex kiss you on the mouth. You can never go back, unless maybe you were so wasted at the time that neither of you considers it a kiss, or can remember it. And so, when people say they don't want to date because they don't want to ruin a friendship, I understand now. Completely. Me and whatshisface...yeah, things are different now. Maybe because he's been out of town or doing his own thing so much this summer. It's for the better. I'm just worried about when school starts. What if I have a class with him? that would suck ass. I'm not ready for that. I just want to be left alone. You want to know how I know? Because I want him to call me up and say 'hey, I want to talk....' I still think of that.

And it's not going to happen, quite frankly. That's just out of the question. Try explaining that to my subconscious....

So anyway, download of my mental status: i hate being alone, i feel so alone at random times, and I'm still dragging after something that ended over three months ago.

Song of the Blog: "Don't Think I Don't Think About It" -- Darius Rucker

close your eyes, you might finally look around

Hiya.

You know I"m unsure about a lot of things right now. What you do not know is that it does not revolve entirely around college and boys. Wow, in print, that really does paint me out to be shallow - the college and boys part.

Truth is, there's more to me than that. At least, I think so. I do like to think I'm different. I guess most people do.

Anyways, I've been thinking about a lot. There's this girl who used to be one of my best friends. She asked out a guy she knew I liked, plus did something else to a friend of mine that pissed that friend off to. Thing was, this was freshman year and she'd been changing so much since 8th grade, it was scary. And infuriating, because it wasn't a change for the better. As a result, after the blow up that ensued from her asking my would-be guy out, we all ditched her.

Recently, a couple friends of mine - one of whom is the friend of mine who was also betrayed - have become friends with her again. There are a million things I could say that have occured and thus uniquely shaped each relationship we all have with each other. Thing is, I'm not mad about what she did anymore. I've just been through way too much and changed so much myself that I've come to realize that it's all just water under the bridge.

Does that make me wise? No. Just older, more mature, more aware of how people are always changing. Sure, she changed for the worse. But now, my two friends have said that she has changed and grown, as we all have, and that she is not that person that we all walked out on.
Let me make a side note here: do not be a bitch to your friends, all the time. Every now and then is okay since we all get sick of each other or be bitchy for one reason or another, but treat your friends like dirt and you'll pay, in many different ways.

Okay, message time over. On with the narration.

I miss how things used to be so simple in the past. Middle school...those are the golden days. And my job at the daycamp has made me realize how wonderful those first twelve, thirteen years of your life are. Then you go to high school and it's very much 'welcome to the jungle.' It's easy to get lost. It's easy to change. It's easy to get confused and be led astray. It's easy - nay, unavoidable - to make mistakes. And we all change as a result of our actions, and the consequences they bring.

A - that's what we'll call her - fucked up. Big time. And she had to know that, because you don't go through an experience like losing all your friends and not take a serious look at yourself (eventually). I've fucked up. I've not lost all my best friends at once, I haven't done anything that bad, but I've definitely done and said things in the past that have made me change, and realize that I have to grow up eventually. I want to be a good person. I want to be remembered, when I die, for being someone that people loved to be around, someone that people are glad they met.

As a result, I've got to swallow my pride - I have too damn much of that stuff - and make amends. When school starts in a few weeks, it'll be my junior year of high school, but more importantly, it'll be the turning of the page into a new chapter. I want to take Kelsey Coker's advice, for last year's graduation issue of the Zephyr: I want to write it well.

Song of the Blog: "Open Up Your Eyes" - Daughtry

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing...

Yeah I miss you, and I wish you were here with me.

You know how random things can bring you back to a snapshot of time you know you'll always remember? Those little slices of time you can't escape?

I've been experiencing those a lot lately, usually through pictures. I look back and I see how things were, and I know if you had asked me, back then, what I expected of the future, nothing I said would be like what actually happened. It makes me wonder what's going to happen in the future, because I know I"ll never call it. I'll never expect. I want to know so bad, so I can keep myself from making mistakes like the ones I've made in the past, and yet, I don't. I want to keep the future unexpected and unknown, because I love it that way. It keeps me going, knowing I have no idea what life has in store for me.

At the same time, I just...I miss how things used to be. And I don't like it. It's hard to explain - I don't want to be in the same state of being a year from now as how I am at this moment. I don't want to be looking back wishing I was still in the past, because truth was, I had it easy. A year ago, I thought I knew what heartbreak was. And the fact is, I didn't, not truly. I had an inkling, but that's it. And now I know very acutely what it's all about.

Everything's so vivid, and at the same time, everything is so blurry due to going past me so fast. Summer's almost over - can you believe? All the hours spent looking after little kids, staying up late, getting up early the next morning, sweltering in the sun, crying, laughing, hanging out with friends, sometimes avoiding a certain someone's eye, dealing with thoughts of 'where would we be now if we were still together?'

Pathetic, right? That's me. When it comes to guys, I don't like, really like, a lot. Just a few. And that makes it harder to let go when things go south, which they always do. Sometimes I wish there was a surgery where you can get your heart altered so that you never feel anything more than platonic love for someone - as in, I'd never fall in love again, I wouldn't get hurt again.

Then I am glad there isn't, because so many people say love is the greatest thing ever, and I don't want to miss out.

That's my problem - I don't want to miss anything. But I'm worried: will I be okay? Will I turn into someone I don't want to be? Will I ever move on, happy, truly happy?

Sometimes I think I will. Other times...well, those are the time I lean of my friends and hold on tight, and I pray to God that we never let go of each other.

Song of the Blog: "Where You Are" - Lifehouse
"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley

would you want me if I'm not myself?

I am so unhappy and I have no idea why, when I know that my life is nothing to scowl at. I had my heart broken, but who does that not happen to once in a while?
Sometimes I wish there was a surgery that could alter my ability to love, so that I never loved anyone as more than a friend, and so wouldn’t have to feel this pain. I don’t know if I love him, or if I love the way he made me feel.
I’m so sad and angry all the time, or I feel nothing at all. Rarely do I feel happiness. I think I know why. I went from being the happiest I could ever be, to miserable. March 2009 was probably the best month of my life, because I was with him. And then in April, it all started to change until he wasn’t there anymore. And I can’t help but think that if I’d spoken up, if I had asked him to give another go immediately afterward, he might’ve said yes.
But now I’m not myself, because I don’t have him. And instead, since I know he doesn’t love me like I love/d him, I can never be myself around him. It’s like, I’ll do anything for his attention, if he’ll just show that he cares.
But I know he doesn’t care nearly as much about me as I do about him.
Why am I miserable? Because I used to be in heaven, and then I was sent back to hell.

Song of the Blog: 'Not Myself' by John Mayer

so maybe I know a paper angel

You know, I'm quite selfish. Or at least I used to. But I"m looking around and I'm trying to change. I think it helps that I work with little kids, and they are changing me. It sort of makes me want kids, and it sort of doesn't. I could say it's because they're demons, and people might buy that. For the most part, though, it's because I'm scared of screwing up. If you fuck up raising your kids, nothing else matters. So if you fail, you do, very much, fail at life.

I say this, that I don't want kids, and no one believes me. Well, most of them. Maybe because they can't imagine someone not wanting kids, or maybe because I'm so 'loving.' I guess, I'm not sure. I don't know if I could do it, to be honest. Plus, you've got to find a guy to have a kid with. I'm traditional - I want a marriage, then a child. I seem to be a dying breed, it seems, but then, no one knows more than me how sometimes things just don't work out like you think they will. Shit happens, things change, and you get a completely different result than you thought you would.

Shit happens...and life goes on. And sometimes that's good, when things don't work out, because you change. Often for the better. You sometimes realize things you wouldn't have realized if you hadn't messed up, and you're filled with regret and sadness because you wish you'd made these realizations before messing up so that you could've changed. At the same time, you know the lesson would not have been learned if punishment had not been dealt.

I'm looking around, though, now. And I'm finding happiness in every day things, random things. I'm surrounding myself with friends. Maybe I'm running from myself. Maybe I'm just being happy, loving life for no reason.

It happens, now and then.

Song of the Blog: 'Northern Downpour' by Panic! At the Disco.

An introduction to my maddeningly mundane life

Somehow, someway you've stumbled upon the blogspot of Cassandra Jean Somebody. Call me Cassie.

It's pretty hard to write a summary about yourself, which is one of the multiple reasons I am unprepared for applying to colleges. Simply put, you'll find out a lot about me, if I faithfully blog like I intend to. There are a lot of things in my life that many people experience: awesome friends, heartbreak, a boy, books that change the way you think, good songs you play over and over again because they describe exactly how you feel.

It's this last that is most important. Every post I'll add a song to what will be the 'Soundtrack of My Life.' Music is most important to me, second only to maybe writing...and that really depends on my mood. Writing is also important to me, hence why I blog. I love to improve, and I am a firm believer of Practice Makes Perfect.

An explanation for this blog is that a) I've gone through a lot during my sixteen years of life, and b) I believe that everything happens for a reason, so I'm ridiculously optimistic, sometimes sadly optimistic. It took forever to set up this blog, because I couldn't think of something that describes me and my life. Finall, Tunnel Vision Ramblings popped into my head, as in light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe it's lights throughout the tunnel - nothing good lasts, and nothing bad lasts. There are alternating periods of light and dark in my life, and sometimes they coincide, and sometimes it really depends on the day to determine how I'm doing.

Shortly put, Tunnel Vision Ramblings is appropriate, because I ramble, as you've no doubt noticed, and because I'm pretty good at looking forward, even though I sneak backward glances every now and then. Frequently, actually.

So this is me, basically. This is my life. You're going to learn quite a bit about it reading this. I'll tell you maybe short little anecdotes of my mundane life, or maybe I'll go into detail about something that happened to me and takes me many words to fully describe and give it some sort of semblance of justice. Buckle up and get ready. Just keep in mind: I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, equipped with nothing but great friends, a funky but awesome family, and tunnel vision that cannot be denied.

Thanks for reading.
Song of the Blog: 'Jesus, Take the Wheel' - Carrie Underwood