I Got Excited For This?

So this weekend was amazing, for one particular reason: Purple Tranzam. Mark it. It'll be a household name in no time. Aaron Gosnell, B.J. Pearce, Danny Dallstream, and Chaning Marsh make up this magnificant band. They practice their ass off. They memorize new songs each concert, and they rock them all. Last night...oh em gee....most fun I've had so much. For a while it made me happy. Now, however, after jumping up and down, headbanging and screaming my head off in the mosh pit made up of most of my friends, I am now faced with the prospect of school. And i am now sad, depressed, and pessimistic.

The first week...it just kicked my ass. I guess it always does, because I'm not used to it, but that doesn't make it much easier to bear. My classes are okay, I at least get to chill with my friends, but it's like...I miss summer. I miss getting to hang out with people whenever I want. I mean, I know that I have to slow down some time, but really, couldn't I do it without the homework? Couldn't I do it without having to put up with dumbshits and annoying people?

Plus it's like...the only highlight of my day is Journalism. I still love it. I miss Emma, Caitlin, Wilson, Jordan, Angie, and Ellen like MAD, but I still look forward to it every day. It's all review though, so I'm kind of bored. Idea sheets are due Wednesday. What's the best I forget about it until Tuesday night?

Otherwise...there's not much out there. I have to start volunteering, because it looks good on college scholarships. I have to get a job, to pay for gas and any whims i may have. I have to, I have to, I have to. This, that, everything. There's not much mean time. Plus I just know that Pre-Calc is going to murder me this year. Plus ACTs and SATs and the PSAE. Plus I have to pick a college.

Junior year...it just sucks so far, from my view point. Maybe I'm just seeing it wrong, but it's just gonna be work, work, work, try to make time for friends, work, work, have fun sometimes, etc.

Homecoming will hopefully be awesome. I'm excited now. I'm dreading the slow songs though. Especially if He-Who-Must-Remain-Just-A-Friend-Now goes with someone. Idk if I'm ready for that. I know I'm not ready for that. I need to stay away from him, but it's hard, because we have the same friends, and quite frankly, I miss him too much.

I dunno, I just have too much on my mind. And I don't see it getting any better. I hope it gets better. Otherwise, seriously, FML.

Song of the Blog: "American Pie" by Don McLean

Maybe I'm Ready to Make a Wish

I don't really know what's going on with me. I'm reconnecting with an old friend, I'm starting to realize that dating is not an option in the town where I live, where everyone who's good and mature enough is gone. And that's okay. I've got friends. I've got Journalism. I've got tons of stuff to do every weekend, and not one of them involves a boy. I have new insight in how much romance screws up good friendships. I'm not so...mopey.

I think I've moved on. I don't think it's because I don't still love him. I think it's because I"m so sick of getting so sad, that my mind is making me move on. Maybe that's what happens - you never stop loving someone, you just get sick of missing someone all the time, so you force yourself to heal. Maybe that's why it's sometimes hard to define what love is. You can love someone will all your heart, really love them for all the right reasons, or even wrong ones - still real love.

Then you find out they don't love you. And you're broken and crying and feeling pain. And you get depressed, and think about what could've happened, and for months you're not yourself.

But then you finally get sick of crying. You get tired of missing someone. You still get reminded of them at random times, and you still got feelings for them, but you know that the cost of imagination is: you're tired of making yourself miserable. So you cover up the scrape, avoid them even when it hurts and you miss them so much, because you're tired of the "hangover" that comes from getting drunk off memories and what-could-have-beens. And you start looking around at other people. You take strength from friends. You realize you're not as imperfect and horrible as you were. And you move on. Because you still love them, but you finally are ready to admit that you don't deserve the pain.

Yeah yeah, typical teenage girl making everything into a heartfelt realization. But it's true. Maybe you can love someone, and continue to love them, but maybe it's also true that you get so sick of pain that you force yourself to move on so that you can love yourself.

Because it's not worth it. Because that person probably doesn't want you to feel pain. Because you don't want to be feel pain. Because people fall in and out of love all throughout time, and rarely in sync, and somehow manage to move on with their lives and find someone else.

More importantly, because you deserve to be loved.

Song of the Blog: "My Wish" - Rascal Flatts

so the truth is

I don't know what it is exactly, but for some reason I've developed a fear of being alone. There's a name for it, but simply put, I keep wanting to just have someone to hug. It's probably got something to do with my ex. I remember when we used to just wrap our arms around each other so I could hear his heartbeat, and I felt so warm, so safe.

I haven't held anyone or kissed anyone like that since a week or so before we broke up. And I still haven't moved on to the point where I've found someone new, or even considered someone new.

Well okay, that's not true. There is a guy or two...but I'm friends with them, and I don't want to fuck that up, because I know first hand how everything changes when friends of the opposite sex kiss you on the mouth. You can never go back, unless maybe you were so wasted at the time that neither of you considers it a kiss, or can remember it. And so, when people say they don't want to date because they don't want to ruin a friendship, I understand now. Completely. Me and whatshisface...yeah, things are different now. Maybe because he's been out of town or doing his own thing so much this summer. It's for the better. I'm just worried about when school starts. What if I have a class with him? that would suck ass. I'm not ready for that. I just want to be left alone. You want to know how I know? Because I want him to call me up and say 'hey, I want to talk....' I still think of that.

And it's not going to happen, quite frankly. That's just out of the question. Try explaining that to my subconscious....

So anyway, download of my mental status: i hate being alone, i feel so alone at random times, and I'm still dragging after something that ended over three months ago.

Song of the Blog: "Don't Think I Don't Think About It" -- Darius Rucker

close your eyes, you might finally look around

Hiya.

You know I"m unsure about a lot of things right now. What you do not know is that it does not revolve entirely around college and boys. Wow, in print, that really does paint me out to be shallow - the college and boys part.

Truth is, there's more to me than that. At least, I think so. I do like to think I'm different. I guess most people do.

Anyways, I've been thinking about a lot. There's this girl who used to be one of my best friends. She asked out a guy she knew I liked, plus did something else to a friend of mine that pissed that friend off to. Thing was, this was freshman year and she'd been changing so much since 8th grade, it was scary. And infuriating, because it wasn't a change for the better. As a result, after the blow up that ensued from her asking my would-be guy out, we all ditched her.

Recently, a couple friends of mine - one of whom is the friend of mine who was also betrayed - have become friends with her again. There are a million things I could say that have occured and thus uniquely shaped each relationship we all have with each other. Thing is, I'm not mad about what she did anymore. I've just been through way too much and changed so much myself that I've come to realize that it's all just water under the bridge.

Does that make me wise? No. Just older, more mature, more aware of how people are always changing. Sure, she changed for the worse. But now, my two friends have said that she has changed and grown, as we all have, and that she is not that person that we all walked out on.
Let me make a side note here: do not be a bitch to your friends, all the time. Every now and then is okay since we all get sick of each other or be bitchy for one reason or another, but treat your friends like dirt and you'll pay, in many different ways.

Okay, message time over. On with the narration.

I miss how things used to be so simple in the past. Middle school...those are the golden days. And my job at the daycamp has made me realize how wonderful those first twelve, thirteen years of your life are. Then you go to high school and it's very much 'welcome to the jungle.' It's easy to get lost. It's easy to change. It's easy to get confused and be led astray. It's easy - nay, unavoidable - to make mistakes. And we all change as a result of our actions, and the consequences they bring.

A - that's what we'll call her - fucked up. Big time. And she had to know that, because you don't go through an experience like losing all your friends and not take a serious look at yourself (eventually). I've fucked up. I've not lost all my best friends at once, I haven't done anything that bad, but I've definitely done and said things in the past that have made me change, and realize that I have to grow up eventually. I want to be a good person. I want to be remembered, when I die, for being someone that people loved to be around, someone that people are glad they met.

As a result, I've got to swallow my pride - I have too damn much of that stuff - and make amends. When school starts in a few weeks, it'll be my junior year of high school, but more importantly, it'll be the turning of the page into a new chapter. I want to take Kelsey Coker's advice, for last year's graduation issue of the Zephyr: I want to write it well.

Song of the Blog: "Open Up Your Eyes" - Daughtry