Seasons are changing and waves are crashing...

Yeah I miss you, and I wish you were here with me.

You know how random things can bring you back to a snapshot of time you know you'll always remember? Those little slices of time you can't escape?

I've been experiencing those a lot lately, usually through pictures. I look back and I see how things were, and I know if you had asked me, back then, what I expected of the future, nothing I said would be like what actually happened. It makes me wonder what's going to happen in the future, because I know I"ll never call it. I'll never expect. I want to know so bad, so I can keep myself from making mistakes like the ones I've made in the past, and yet, I don't. I want to keep the future unexpected and unknown, because I love it that way. It keeps me going, knowing I have no idea what life has in store for me.

At the same time, I just...I miss how things used to be. And I don't like it. It's hard to explain - I don't want to be in the same state of being a year from now as how I am at this moment. I don't want to be looking back wishing I was still in the past, because truth was, I had it easy. A year ago, I thought I knew what heartbreak was. And the fact is, I didn't, not truly. I had an inkling, but that's it. And now I know very acutely what it's all about.

Everything's so vivid, and at the same time, everything is so blurry due to going past me so fast. Summer's almost over - can you believe? All the hours spent looking after little kids, staying up late, getting up early the next morning, sweltering in the sun, crying, laughing, hanging out with friends, sometimes avoiding a certain someone's eye, dealing with thoughts of 'where would we be now if we were still together?'

Pathetic, right? That's me. When it comes to guys, I don't like, really like, a lot. Just a few. And that makes it harder to let go when things go south, which they always do. Sometimes I wish there was a surgery where you can get your heart altered so that you never feel anything more than platonic love for someone - as in, I'd never fall in love again, I wouldn't get hurt again.

Then I am glad there isn't, because so many people say love is the greatest thing ever, and I don't want to miss out.

That's my problem - I don't want to miss anything. But I'm worried: will I be okay? Will I turn into someone I don't want to be? Will I ever move on, happy, truly happy?

Sometimes I think I will. Other times...well, those are the time I lean of my friends and hold on tight, and I pray to God that we never let go of each other.

Song of the Blog: "Where You Are" - Lifehouse
"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley

would you want me if I'm not myself?

I am so unhappy and I have no idea why, when I know that my life is nothing to scowl at. I had my heart broken, but who does that not happen to once in a while?
Sometimes I wish there was a surgery that could alter my ability to love, so that I never loved anyone as more than a friend, and so wouldn’t have to feel this pain. I don’t know if I love him, or if I love the way he made me feel.
I’m so sad and angry all the time, or I feel nothing at all. Rarely do I feel happiness. I think I know why. I went from being the happiest I could ever be, to miserable. March 2009 was probably the best month of my life, because I was with him. And then in April, it all started to change until he wasn’t there anymore. And I can’t help but think that if I’d spoken up, if I had asked him to give another go immediately afterward, he might’ve said yes.
But now I’m not myself, because I don’t have him. And instead, since I know he doesn’t love me like I love/d him, I can never be myself around him. It’s like, I’ll do anything for his attention, if he’ll just show that he cares.
But I know he doesn’t care nearly as much about me as I do about him.
Why am I miserable? Because I used to be in heaven, and then I was sent back to hell.

Song of the Blog: 'Not Myself' by John Mayer

so maybe I know a paper angel

You know, I'm quite selfish. Or at least I used to. But I"m looking around and I'm trying to change. I think it helps that I work with little kids, and they are changing me. It sort of makes me want kids, and it sort of doesn't. I could say it's because they're demons, and people might buy that. For the most part, though, it's because I'm scared of screwing up. If you fuck up raising your kids, nothing else matters. So if you fail, you do, very much, fail at life.

I say this, that I don't want kids, and no one believes me. Well, most of them. Maybe because they can't imagine someone not wanting kids, or maybe because I'm so 'loving.' I guess, I'm not sure. I don't know if I could do it, to be honest. Plus, you've got to find a guy to have a kid with. I'm traditional - I want a marriage, then a child. I seem to be a dying breed, it seems, but then, no one knows more than me how sometimes things just don't work out like you think they will. Shit happens, things change, and you get a completely different result than you thought you would.

Shit happens...and life goes on. And sometimes that's good, when things don't work out, because you change. Often for the better. You sometimes realize things you wouldn't have realized if you hadn't messed up, and you're filled with regret and sadness because you wish you'd made these realizations before messing up so that you could've changed. At the same time, you know the lesson would not have been learned if punishment had not been dealt.

I'm looking around, though, now. And I'm finding happiness in every day things, random things. I'm surrounding myself with friends. Maybe I'm running from myself. Maybe I'm just being happy, loving life for no reason.

It happens, now and then.

Song of the Blog: 'Northern Downpour' by Panic! At the Disco.

An introduction to my maddeningly mundane life

Somehow, someway you've stumbled upon the blogspot of Cassandra Jean Somebody. Call me Cassie.

It's pretty hard to write a summary about yourself, which is one of the multiple reasons I am unprepared for applying to colleges. Simply put, you'll find out a lot about me, if I faithfully blog like I intend to. There are a lot of things in my life that many people experience: awesome friends, heartbreak, a boy, books that change the way you think, good songs you play over and over again because they describe exactly how you feel.

It's this last that is most important. Every post I'll add a song to what will be the 'Soundtrack of My Life.' Music is most important to me, second only to maybe writing...and that really depends on my mood. Writing is also important to me, hence why I blog. I love to improve, and I am a firm believer of Practice Makes Perfect.

An explanation for this blog is that a) I've gone through a lot during my sixteen years of life, and b) I believe that everything happens for a reason, so I'm ridiculously optimistic, sometimes sadly optimistic. It took forever to set up this blog, because I couldn't think of something that describes me and my life. Finall, Tunnel Vision Ramblings popped into my head, as in light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe it's lights throughout the tunnel - nothing good lasts, and nothing bad lasts. There are alternating periods of light and dark in my life, and sometimes they coincide, and sometimes it really depends on the day to determine how I'm doing.

Shortly put, Tunnel Vision Ramblings is appropriate, because I ramble, as you've no doubt noticed, and because I'm pretty good at looking forward, even though I sneak backward glances every now and then. Frequently, actually.

So this is me, basically. This is my life. You're going to learn quite a bit about it reading this. I'll tell you maybe short little anecdotes of my mundane life, or maybe I'll go into detail about something that happened to me and takes me many words to fully describe and give it some sort of semblance of justice. Buckle up and get ready. Just keep in mind: I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, equipped with nothing but great friends, a funky but awesome family, and tunnel vision that cannot be denied.

Thanks for reading.
Song of the Blog: 'Jesus, Take the Wheel' - Carrie Underwood