You know, I'm quite selfish. Or at least I used to. But I"m looking around and I'm trying to change. I think it helps that I work with little kids, and they are changing me. It sort of makes me want kids, and it sort of doesn't. I could say it's because they're demons, and people might buy that. For the most part, though, it's because I'm scared of screwing up. If you fuck up raising your kids, nothing else matters. So if you fail, you do, very much, fail at life.
I say this, that I don't want kids, and no one believes me. Well, most of them. Maybe because they can't imagine someone not wanting kids, or maybe because I'm so 'loving.' I guess, I'm not sure. I don't know if I could do it, to be honest. Plus, you've got to find a guy to have a kid with. I'm traditional - I want a marriage, then a child. I seem to be a dying breed, it seems, but then, no one knows more than me how sometimes things just don't work out like you think they will. Shit happens, things change, and you get a completely different result than you thought you would.
Shit happens...and life goes on. And sometimes that's good, when things don't work out, because you change. Often for the better. You sometimes realize things you wouldn't have realized if you hadn't messed up, and you're filled with regret and sadness because you wish you'd made these realizations before messing up so that you could've changed. At the same time, you know the lesson would not have been learned if punishment had not been dealt.
I'm looking around, though, now. And I'm finding happiness in every day things, random things. I'm surrounding myself with friends. Maybe I'm running from myself. Maybe I'm just being happy, loving life for no reason.
It happens, now and then.
Song of the Blog: 'Northern Downpour' by Panic! At the Disco.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I won't say you will, and I won't say you will not, but chances are even if you don't see it coming you'll have kids, and Cass I think you'd do pretty well at least you'll do better than some of the parents that are going to come out of our generation. You've got good morals, strong beliefs, and you think things through. You'd be able to take care of them and push them along in the right direction. But like I said not going to persuade you to think you want it. Because it's your life. And as you and I believe. Everything happens for a reason, and if you end up having kids there was a reason for that. And if you don't well there was a reason for that too but maybe not because your not competent enough to handle children but some other more cosmic purpose.
ReplyDelete