so the truth is

I don't know what it is exactly, but for some reason I've developed a fear of being alone. There's a name for it, but simply put, I keep wanting to just have someone to hug. It's probably got something to do with my ex. I remember when we used to just wrap our arms around each other so I could hear his heartbeat, and I felt so warm, so safe.

I haven't held anyone or kissed anyone like that since a week or so before we broke up. And I still haven't moved on to the point where I've found someone new, or even considered someone new.

Well okay, that's not true. There is a guy or two...but I'm friends with them, and I don't want to fuck that up, because I know first hand how everything changes when friends of the opposite sex kiss you on the mouth. You can never go back, unless maybe you were so wasted at the time that neither of you considers it a kiss, or can remember it. And so, when people say they don't want to date because they don't want to ruin a friendship, I understand now. Completely. Me and whatshisface...yeah, things are different now. Maybe because he's been out of town or doing his own thing so much this summer. It's for the better. I'm just worried about when school starts. What if I have a class with him? that would suck ass. I'm not ready for that. I just want to be left alone. You want to know how I know? Because I want him to call me up and say 'hey, I want to talk....' I still think of that.

And it's not going to happen, quite frankly. That's just out of the question. Try explaining that to my subconscious....

So anyway, download of my mental status: i hate being alone, i feel so alone at random times, and I'm still dragging after something that ended over three months ago.

Song of the Blog: "Don't Think I Don't Think About It" -- Darius Rucker