Yeah I miss you, and I wish you were here with me.
You know how random things can bring you back to a snapshot of time you know you'll always remember? Those little slices of time you can't escape?
I've been experiencing those a lot lately, usually through pictures. I look back and I see how things were, and I know if you had asked me, back then, what I expected of the future, nothing I said would be like what actually happened. It makes me wonder what's going to happen in the future, because I know I"ll never call it. I'll never expect. I want to know so bad, so I can keep myself from making mistakes like the ones I've made in the past, and yet, I don't. I want to keep the future unexpected and unknown, because I love it that way. It keeps me going, knowing I have no idea what life has in store for me.
At the same time, I just...I miss how things used to be. And I don't like it. It's hard to explain - I don't want to be in the same state of being a year from now as how I am at this moment. I don't want to be looking back wishing I was still in the past, because truth was, I had it easy. A year ago, I thought I knew what heartbreak was. And the fact is, I didn't, not truly. I had an inkling, but that's it. And now I know very acutely what it's all about.
Everything's so vivid, and at the same time, everything is so blurry due to going past me so fast. Summer's almost over - can you believe? All the hours spent looking after little kids, staying up late, getting up early the next morning, sweltering in the sun, crying, laughing, hanging out with friends, sometimes avoiding a certain someone's eye, dealing with thoughts of 'where would we be now if we were still together?'
Pathetic, right? That's me. When it comes to guys, I don't like, really like, a lot. Just a few. And that makes it harder to let go when things go south, which they always do. Sometimes I wish there was a surgery where you can get your heart altered so that you never feel anything more than platonic love for someone - as in, I'd never fall in love again, I wouldn't get hurt again.
Then I am glad there isn't, because so many people say love is the greatest thing ever, and I don't want to miss out.
That's my problem - I don't want to miss anything. But I'm worried: will I be okay? Will I turn into someone I don't want to be? Will I ever move on, happy, truly happy?
Sometimes I think I will. Other times...well, those are the time I lean of my friends and hold on tight, and I pray to God that we never let go of each other.
Song of the Blog: "Where You Are" - Lifehouse
"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley
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You know, I tell you this a lot, but, you sound a lot like me, and then again you are a completely different person with entirely different needs. You have different wants and aspirations and in the end thats what keeps us all from being clones. It may not seem like it now but you'll make it through. You'll push through you'll take the perverbial bull known as life by the horns and get on the motherfuckers back and say. "I am going to ride you, and you are going to fucking do what I say. This is my life, and you aren't going to keep me under your hooves anylonger." And you've got a good head on your shoulders. :) I have faith in you Cass. You'll find your happy medium. You'll find what it takes. If it takes you this entire lifetime.
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