Maybe I'm Ready to Make a Wish

I don't really know what's going on with me. I'm reconnecting with an old friend, I'm starting to realize that dating is not an option in the town where I live, where everyone who's good and mature enough is gone. And that's okay. I've got friends. I've got Journalism. I've got tons of stuff to do every weekend, and not one of them involves a boy. I have new insight in how much romance screws up good friendships. I'm not so...mopey.

I think I've moved on. I don't think it's because I don't still love him. I think it's because I"m so sick of getting so sad, that my mind is making me move on. Maybe that's what happens - you never stop loving someone, you just get sick of missing someone all the time, so you force yourself to heal. Maybe that's why it's sometimes hard to define what love is. You can love someone will all your heart, really love them for all the right reasons, or even wrong ones - still real love.

Then you find out they don't love you. And you're broken and crying and feeling pain. And you get depressed, and think about what could've happened, and for months you're not yourself.

But then you finally get sick of crying. You get tired of missing someone. You still get reminded of them at random times, and you still got feelings for them, but you know that the cost of imagination is: you're tired of making yourself miserable. So you cover up the scrape, avoid them even when it hurts and you miss them so much, because you're tired of the "hangover" that comes from getting drunk off memories and what-could-have-beens. And you start looking around at other people. You take strength from friends. You realize you're not as imperfect and horrible as you were. And you move on. Because you still love them, but you finally are ready to admit that you don't deserve the pain.

Yeah yeah, typical teenage girl making everything into a heartfelt realization. But it's true. Maybe you can love someone, and continue to love them, but maybe it's also true that you get so sick of pain that you force yourself to move on so that you can love yourself.

Because it's not worth it. Because that person probably doesn't want you to feel pain. Because you don't want to be feel pain. Because people fall in and out of love all throughout time, and rarely in sync, and somehow manage to move on with their lives and find someone else.

More importantly, because you deserve to be loved.

Song of the Blog: "My Wish" - Rascal Flatts